Bummer

Big, stinking bummer. I haven't written this post yet coz A) I've been super duper  busy, B) I'm exhausted, and C) it's a crummy subject to write about.

I can't have an out of hospital birth with Lefty. I have been deemed too high risk and have to take a lot of special precautions to keep Lefty as healthy as possible and in as long as possible. My dream was to have a birth center birth with Lefty and then to have home births with future ones. Not gonna happen.

For this pregnancy, I have two options. I can continue to see my midwives, an OB (who I really don't like, but at least he's a good doctor), and a high-rish neonatal specialist OR I can switch to an OB that I like (I've gotten some recommendations from my midwife), notify them that I'm high risk, and have my midwives as my doulas instead. Either way, I'll be highly monitored and stuck in a hospital. We have an appointment with the specialist on Monday and will make out choice after we get a feel for him.

Annnnd, biggest bummer of all... I can't have any more pregnancies after this one. There is a chance that after this one I might have to have an emergency hysterectomy (the words no woman wants to hear). Even if I don't, the risk on any future babies and myself would be too great that it would be a bad idea to do it. I was told that I shouldn't even have the babies I have and the fact that I'm pregnant now is a miracle and a gift from God, so I am focusing on the positive that God is good and blesses abundantly. I have three miracle children. That's HUGE. But, it's still a hard pill to swallow.

I'm praying that the test results aren't true and that God can heal and everything will be okay, but we do have to be realistic and prepare for the worst case scenario in case this is God's will for us.

However, we do feel called to have a big family and will just adopt in the future if God provides. There is an orphanage that we support and we're planning on adopting from there down the road. God never closes one door without opening another.

It's been a whirlwind over here lately with long doctor's appointments and lots of prayer. God has brought me this far, and I know he'll provide for a healthy (and hopefully lengthy) pregnancy.

Of course I could go on and on about the mixed feelings of elation that I have three miracles and the devastation of not being able to have more, but any mom who has kids or who has ever lost a baby understands how overwhelming that can be.

For the time being, I'm keeping positive, saving our pennies for the likely increased medical cost that our insurance won't cover, and giving God the glory for giving me my wonderful babies.

I'll preface this next statement with the fact that I LOVE my kids. Adore them. Next to God and my husband they are my world. But when I heard from midwives and doctors that they can't explain how I had them and how I have the one currently gestating, my heart overflowed with gratitude for them and I appreciate them sooooo much more. Not that I didn't before, but it really put into perspective how great our God is and how easy it is to become so wrapped up in the day-to-days of life that we see miracles as common place, something we're used to and can depend on. Each day really is a gift. Each breath and each moment are not guaranteed to us.

So hug your babies a little tighter and remember just how precious and miraculous they are.